Hey kids!
Welcome to this edition of "Rouge Rant" where the nicest kid in the world gets a lil controversial.
What’s on the docket today? Christmas music. That choral driven wretch that drags it’s crusty ass out’ve the gates of hell every year without fail, never changing, never innovating, just the same manufactured cheerfulness blared through the speakers of every radio, and every station 24/7 for an entire month.
Can you guess which side of the snowflake I fall on here?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with Christmas music, just like there isn’t anything inherently wrong with Lady Gaga music. But I’ll bet if you had to listen to “Applause” 24/7 you’d consider inserting a power drill into your ear too. And if you’ve ever flipped on 102.5 you know exactly what that feels like. How Ryan Seacrest hasn’t blown his brains out on the air after listening to the 5 millionth One Direction song is beyond me, the guy must have the moral fiber of Jesus; that or he’s too busy counting his money and putting product in his hair to even listen to what’s playing.
Let’s think about Christmas music for a second shall we? Name the songs that instantly spring to mind. I’ll bet you can think of about a dozen or so that actually have some distinguishable difference between each other. After that you fall into the 500 different versions of those songs auto tuned and sung by any number of deflating Country or Pop artists who are just one record dud away from stacking boxes at Best Buy. Even with THAT there is nothing inherently wrong with it. People like to make music, people like to get paid for making music, and there’s apparently a shit ton of people in this world who will pay good money to hear the latest Pop star sing songs written before they were even born that everyone on this planet knows. That’s like having someone take a classic movie like “Psycho” and do a shot for shot remake. And you know the crazy part; that actually happened! But it never happened again because just copying and pasting something that already exists is not art, it’s a stencil of true innovation and talent that’s been repackaged as something brand spanking new and fresh. Why do you think no one writes new Christmas music nowadays? Because all we as a society do is buy the old shit. Why innovate when you can just spin out the same old lyrics? Think of all the money you’ll save not paying writers, and musicians, and composers. Hell, figure out a way for a computer to sing on tune and you can cut the human element out’ve the whole thing altogether! Yes, I’m saying that recycled Christmas albums is the first step toward SKYNET and the absolute desolation of the human race. It’s only crazy if it doesn’t happen people. Wake up and smell the gingerbread.
But you know what? Right on people. I’ve always said that was the best part of the American Dream; the right of idiot consumers to do with their disposable income however they damn well please. But do we really need the constant, droning, never ending barrage of the same songs being played over and over again everywhere we go? Whoever came up with the idea for 96.1 to play continuous Christmas music from before Thanksgiving to New Years is an absolute genius and should also be stood up against a wall and shot for letting loose this travesty upon mankind.
Here’s why this is infuriating to me, and also why no matter how close to Christmas it may be, the second I hear “Jingle Bells” on the radio I’m flipping the station for fear of panicking and slamming my truck into a tree. Because Christmas music, in it’s natural form, is an eternally cheery fairy world of snow, and reindeers, and presents, and carolers, and a whole bunch of stuff that does not exist in our world. Christmas is a single day event. It’s one of the few times in the year when the world comes to a halt and families take some time to be together for a while without caring about the swirling world around them. It’s great, a special day which really has no rival. But you know what, that’s one day out’ve 31 in December. What are we doing the rest of the time? Going to work, going to school, dealing with all of our day to day shit and trying to get by. I’m not trying to be morbid it’s just a fact. Life is a constant flow of complications and interactions that take day to day attention; not all of it’s fun but it’s the way it is. Case in point, to feel like the radio is screaming at you “BE HAPPY, IT’S CHRISTMAS” on a daily basis can be somewhat annoying. As everyone knows, the way to get someone to be happy is to most definitely not tell them to cheer up. So the way to get me into the Christmas Spirit is to not blare away “Santa Baby” into my ears. The season is about spending time with my family; not the White Christmas fantasy that the songs promise us but never deliver upon. Christmas is a personal thing, a special time to sit back with loved ones and watch “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” on ABC Family; at least that they only play once or twice a year. Moderation kids, that’s the key to happiness. And some money doesn’t hurt either.
Can I simply turn the radio dial? Yep. And do I? Yep. But I can still dream of a day when Christmas music doesn’t start playing until December 23 and cuts the shit on midnight December 26. So that finally, maybe we could have some peace on Earth and I would feel good will towards men.
Thanks for reading everybody and Merry Christmas
Jeremy
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